March 7, 2008

Perception vs Reality?

Closer than close
you see yourself
A mirrored image
of what you wanted to be.
As each day goes by
a little more
You can't remember
what it was you wanted anyway.

Private Hell... The Jam

The other day, it was past quittin' time at work, and as I was headin' out for a nite of hijinks, I had changed out of my corporate asshole attire and into my preferred mode of dress (ie: Punk Rock T Shirt and Jeans). One of the women who report to me (whom I have about 15 years or so on), did a double take. When queried, she told me that it was strange for her to see me in anything but corp-asshole threads. Since I am pretty loose at work (or so I thought) and I am always cranking r and r toonage out of my veal pen, this assessment disturbed me.

I've been with my present captors for over a decade, when I started here, I was a ponytailed, drunken, fuck-up. As I slimed my way up the corporate ladder, I always figgered I kept my mojo. Sure I have a position of power, responsibility and even greater aggravation. But aren't I the same idiot that stage dived at Minor Threat shows? Didn't I just get tossed out of a club a couple of weeks back?

As I look around at the influx of new worker bees, I realize that I am "THE MAN", the guy that people who see me around think is "Mr. Uptight Corporate Douchebag".

Most of the people I converse with at the job are the higher level people...and that's not even on work related topics for the most part. Even on the day to day sports bullshit, it's the big boys I tend to socialize with.

Is this a function of rank? Or is it because of common age? At a company event last year at a bar, I sat down next to some of the lumpen proles and they looked at me like I was their creepy old dad!

Meanwhile, there is little doubt to me that my post 9-5 life is as irresponsible and whacked out as their's.

I have a tie on as I type this (J. Garcia), a button down shirt (covering a Pete's Wicked Beer T) and Slacks (that are actually threadbare at the cuffs). My shoes have holes in them. Playin' on my iTunes is the Breeders' new album.
But, it's painfully apparent that on the outside, I am a ghost.

I was always an asshole, now I am a corporate asshole.

How the fuck did this happen?



Marsden Planet said...

Well, whether you like it or not reality is probably somewhere between what you see and what others see.

10 years in, that corporate slime have to rub off on you to some extent.

I'm probably in a pretty similar situation to you, here's a link to a track for the people who report to you:

Abraham's Children - Workin' For The Man


Mrow said...

Well it is important to distinguish here: do these young 'uns see you as a guy who's just of a different generation, or are they seeing you as a part of the corporate power structure? Different issues for sure.

Either way, I gotta ask: which J. Garcia tie is it?

Highlander said...

Thats a painful realization Nazz but excellent choice of lyrics to describe the pain.

gomonkeygo said...

Fuckin' sucks, don't it. I'm a teacher, head of a school - and I wanted to burn down the school when I was in it way back when (slight overstatement - I was really too bored to do anything except be bored and angry). Only thing I got going is that my school is so weird and alternative and off the map that I can play my silly punk rock and psychedelia and way-out jazz all day long and nobody cares. Some of the students even like it. Gives us something to talk about, like the mohawked girl who walked in a few years ago in full high school punk attire, all attitude because Mom wanted her at this weird school. After I pronounced her name right (a first ever for a teacher, she claimed), I asked her if she liked the Buzzcocks (proud badge on her lapel). "Me too. I've seen them live...twice," was all I said and I was her favorite teacher forever and ever from that moment on. Anyway, buck up, man. It's the weirdness inside that counts.