Closer than close
you see yourself
A mirrored image
of what you wanted to be.
As each day goes by
a little more
You can't remember
what it was you wanted anyway.
Private Hell... The Jam
The other day, it was past quittin' time at work, and as I was headin' out for a nite of hijinks, I had changed out of my corporate asshole attire and into my preferred mode of dress (ie: Punk Rock T Shirt and Jeans). One of the women who report to me (whom I have about 15 years or so on), did a double take. When queried, she told me that it was strange for her to see me in anything but corp-asshole threads. Since I am pretty loose at work (or so I thought) and I am always cranking r and r toonage out of my veal pen, this assessment disturbed me.
I've been with my present captors for over a decade, when I started here, I was a ponytailed, drunken, fuck-up. As I slimed my way up the corporate ladder, I always figgered I kept my mojo. Sure I have a position of power, responsibility and even greater aggravation. But aren't I the same idiot that stage dived at Minor Threat shows? Didn't I just get tossed out of a club a couple of weeks back?
As I look around at the influx of new worker bees, I realize that I am "THE MAN", the guy that people who see me around think is "Mr. Uptight Corporate Douchebag".
Most of the people I converse with at the job are the higher level people...and that's not even on work related topics for the most part. Even on the day to day sports bullshit, it's the big boys I tend to socialize with.
Is this a function of rank? Or is it because of common age? At a company event last year at a bar, I sat down next to some of the lumpen proles and they looked at me like I was their creepy old dad!
Meanwhile, there is little doubt to me that my post 9-5 life is as irresponsible and whacked out as their's.
I have a tie on as I type this (J. Garcia), a button down shirt (covering a Pete's Wicked Beer T) and Slacks (that are actually threadbare at the cuffs). My shoes have holes in them. Playin' on my iTunes is the Breeders' new album.
But, it's painfully apparent that on the outside, I am a ghost.
I was always an asshole, now I am a corporate asshole.
How the fuck did this happen?